My story - as told to a group of teenage girls

I had the opportunity to speak to a high school class last week - tell my story, and talk a bit about dating, purity, etc. It was a good experience, better than I thought, actually. It's wierd to be the "older" woman. How did *that* happen? Anyway, here's the text of my talk...


When I started thinking about what I would say this morning, I had a moment where I had to stop and remind myself that I’m really NOT 17 anymore. I’m sure you’ll roll your eyes when I say this, but a lot of days I still feel like I should be getting up and getting ready to go to school, just like you guys. However, somehow I’m 30, not 17, and instead of being in high school, I’m married, with 3 kids. I know only old people say this, but I really do feel like high school was just yesterday.
So, what *am* I going to talk about? I’m just going to tell you my story, and hopefully at the end there will be a few minutes left for questions, so if you think of something while I’m talking, write it down if you want, or hang on to it in your head, and you can ask me then.
I guess I’ll begin at the beginning –It’s probably a familiar story to many of you. I was raised in a Christian home, in church most every time the doors were open, and went to a Christian school pretty much just like this one. I grew up knowing lots of Bible stories, verses, in other words, I knew a lot *about* God. I talked like a Christian, I looked like a Christian, I even *acted* like a Christian most of the time, but I wasn’t a Christian. I knew *about* God, but I did not KNOW God.
Some things happened along the way that made this lack of relationship I had with God more obvious. When I was 13, my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage, with no other explanation than “we just don’t love each other anymore”. I didn’t understand how God could let that happen – I mean, what about me?
Let me stop here and tell you that when I look back at all my growing up years, it is obvious to me that I didn’t *know* God, and this is how…I never believed He loved me. Then, when my parents got divorced, I became convinced that *they* didn’t love me either. I spent an awful lot of time trying desperately to find that love in other places – mostly with guys I was dating. I’ll come back to this in a minute.
So, I was angry at God, didn’t believe He loved me, and now I was angry at my parents, and didn’t believe they really loved me either. Then, when I was 15, a friend and classmate was killed by a drunk driver. I’d like to say that this turned me towards God, but instead, I became even more bitter and turned even further away from Him.
I’m sure you can see where this is going – not a very pretty picture, is it? So, by this time I was in high school, and I kept flip-flopping…one day, I would TRY really hard to be good, because surely if I was good enough, and did all the right things, then He would love me, and everything would be okay, right? Well, of course, that would last for a little while, and then I’d mess up, or get discouraged, and I’d go right back to doing everything that my parents, my school, and my church said NOT to do. By the time I was a senior, I really thought I had messed up so badly that there was no way I could fix it, so it really didn’t matter *what* I did, as long as I was finding that “love” I so desperately craved.
Now, I’m sure you’ve talked about this already, but for most girls, they wind up having sex not because they really *want* to , but because they want the guys to “love” them. For most guys, it’s the other way around – they do it because they want the sex…and if they have to say “I love you” to get it, well, they will. And for me, that was true – I had a lot of boyfriends in high school. Pretty much, if a guy was interested in me, I would go out with him, because deep inside I was scared…what if I said no and nobody ever liked me again? I stayed as close as I possibly could to the line until senior year, when I stopped caring, and that’s when I lost my virginity. I did graduate from high school, and within about 3 months of starting college, I was pregnant at age 17.
I was devastated. I pretty much got in bed and stayed there for 3 days. About a month later, I moved back home with my parents, and *very* reluctantly started going back to church with them. I was full of shame – and I just KNEW that I had blown it now. There was no way God could ever forgive me, or love me…I had messed up way too badly. I did keep going to church (mostly because my parents wanted me to), and there was this lady there that every week would come up to me and give me a hug and say “Amanda, God is good, and He loves you.” Now, the first couple of months that she was doing this, I just rolled my eyes, and ignored her. Gradually, her love and acceptance began to break down those walls around my heart.
When I was about 7 months pregnant, I was at church one Sunday, and I don’t even remember the words the pastor said that day, but I KNEW that God loved me, and He was calling me. When the altar call came, I practically ran down that aisle. That was it! For the first time in my life, I *knew* God in my heart, instead of just my mind. From then until now, 12 years later, I’ve grown steadily as a Christian. Things have NOT been perfect – there have definitely been ups and downs, but Jesus is my best friend. I couldn’t make it through a day without Him.

There are a couple of things I want to make sure I tell you about being a teen mom. 1) It is really, really hard. My parents helped me out a lot, and that made things a lot easier. But even then, trying to work, go to school, and be a mom at age 18 all by myself was not fun and games. 2) You WILL lose most of your friends. Whether it is because they don’t know how to react to your pregnancy, or just because you don’t have much in common anymore (diapers and hanging out or parties don’t really go together), there won’t be many of your old friends left. 3) Even though God is good, and gracious, and forgiving, you WILL live with the consequences of your sin forever. I’m so thankful for what God has done in my life. He has forgiven me. I’ve forgiven meJ. He gave me a wonderful husband (we’ll celebrate 9 years of marriage in a week), and 2 other fabulous kids. But I think there’s this idea out there that once you have the baby, the bad part is done and there are no more consequences from then on. That’s just not true. YES, it’s a wonderful thing to choose life, and of course, that is what any girl that gets pregnant should do. But whether the choice is abortion, adoption, or raising your baby – there is pain involved. The pain of abortion is fairly obvious; adoption, pretty obvious too; but having a baby as a teenager is VERY difficult and comes with its own brand of pain. For me, those consequences right now look like having to answer my 12 year old daughter’s questions about why her biological father wanted nothing to do with her, and trying to help her deal with that. Yeah, not fun, and something I never, ever thought about when I very quickly dismissed adoption as a good option after I found out I was pregnant. (and certainly something I never considered when I was having sex)
I told your teacher that I would share some things I wish I had known as a teenager. This was harder than I thought! But I do have a few things – some I’ve already mentioned. 1) I wish I had known that I was loved. I wish I had believed that I was precious to God, and worth so much more than just some guy’s “good time”. 2) I wish I had known (or believed anyway) that guys lie. I know it’s hard to believe, especially when you are so “in love” – but they do. 3) I wish I had known that God’s plan for relationships and marriage is SO wonderful. It’s so fun, and free, and without guilt or shame. I really thought when I was a teen that my relationships (or hookups, as the case may be) were so exciting, and that marriage must be so, so boring. I also wish I had known that I would regret so much not being my husband’s “only”, and him not being my “only”. We are so thankful for how God has blessed our relationship, but we both wish we had known how much it would cost us to give our hearts, and our purity away to others when we were teens.
If I could say anything to you guys at all, it would be to fall in love with Jesus. Focus on your relationship with HIM more than any other relationship in your life. I hope that you remember my story, and maybe it helps you make better choices than I did. And if you’ve already made some choices you regret, anything from being too casual with your heart as you date to giving your purity away, I hope you remember that God is gracious, and He loves you and has a plan for your life. I have loved Jeremiah 29:11-14 since I was pregnant – God showed me those verses one night when I was feeling really lonely and discouraged. I’ll close with this Scripture, because I think it kind of sums up my story.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."-

Who am I, anyway?

Am I defined by what I do? I'm wife, mom, teacher to my kids, Bible study leader, church member, and on.... But is that really who I am? Is this who God created me to be? Is this ALL there will be for me?
Don't get me wrong here - I absolutely love my life most days. My children are fabulous (albeit frustrating at times:-); my husband is the most longsuffering, patient man alive to have put up with all my baggage these 9 years (today!). But there is always this nagging little feeling, deep inside that says "You should be doing more. You *could* be doing more." What IS that? What do I DO with it?
Clueless as usual...but that was random thought #1 today.
Random thought #2 is this...Do *most* people have real friends, or are we a society lulled by acquaintanceships? Do we allow ourselves to be known, and to know others? For years, I have struggled with this. I so long to be *known*, to have the kind of friend I could call for no other reason than to vent about my day, or to share my excitement over the new books I bought for my kids. But I have yet to find that kind of friend. Maybe it's me - perhaps other people don't wish for an intimate friendship that doesn't seem to exist; Perhaps they already have it. Perhaps I'll never know.